I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
