just survived the first fart of the relationship.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
me + whiskey = a bad person
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
