I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
