Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
