had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I am mentally ready for anal.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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