I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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