Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
