i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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