that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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