That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
