I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
