found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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