Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
