maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
he quoted the bible to break up with me
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
