she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
