After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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