I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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