She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
