Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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