Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
