Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
