the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
