Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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