I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Maybe he injected his testicle?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
