My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
