I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
