the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
