I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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