sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
