New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
