Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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