I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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