I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize