Just cropdusted the office
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
