hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I'm passing your future prison.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
