I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
