hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
