My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
