does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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