I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
