Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
don't judge my taste in strippers
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
