just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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