she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
