he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
