No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
