Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
