So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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