I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
