He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
