Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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