talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
