Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
