I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
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