Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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