I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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