I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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