my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
