The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Randomize
