sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
